Stop The Lying

I'm sorry. This kid is not cute. And I didn't even try to find an ugly picture... it's the first one I came across. I'm so sick of reading how cute this kid is when we all know she's as ugly as shit. So everybody, stop the damn lying.

Face it. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner just made an ugly baby. Just because you're rich, famous and drive nice cars... it doesn't mean that your baby is gonna be pretty.... somethings you can't buy. Mother Nature doesn't give a shit. It can happen. I'm sure Violet has a nice personality though and a beautiful bank account...

There, I feel better.

Dude Has A Flat Iron

The jury selection for Phil Spector's murder trial started yesterday and girl-friend got a new duo for the occasion. I think he looks a bit like a deranged, drugged Penny Marshall.

Poor Ole' Phil he can't catch a break. Murder one old actress and nobody will shut-up about it.

And then there is his former personal assistant, Michelle Blaine, who is suing him for more than $5 million. She claims he sexually harassed her, exposed himself and shit like that. Spector naked... eeewww... you would need a million to pay the therapists for that alone.

Damn! Over $5 million. Where can I get me some sexual harassment?

Phil and His Hair Going to Trial

The Phil Spector murder trial is due to start today. I have a hard time believing it, after all, hasn't it been postponed 250 times already?

But if it does start today, get ready for the trial of the decade, kids- televised and everything. I'm gonna be so into this shit. You only gotta look at this baked-mess to know it's gonna be a circus. I love Phil already.

I think Spector looks innocent and misunderstood. Joking... Didn't he tell police that he shot Lana Clarkson? Wasn't he holding the murder weapon? Didn't he tell the police he didn't mean to do it? Didn't he admit to British Daily Telegraph, weeks before the murder, that he had "bipolar disorder" and was "relatively insane"? Does he use that shit 1 in 2 shampoo/conditioner? Wasn't Clarkson found dead in his house? Sounds like one innocent bitch to me.

I hope the police x-rayed his head-fuzz for any additional evidence that he may be hiding.

Bald Bullies Are The Worst

Donald Trump is such a damn bully. Yet again, he was in the papers making a comment about Rosie O'Donnell's looks.

O'Donnell did a show on The View last week where she talked about depression and, in part, her battle with it. Donald's comment - "she’s depressed from looking in the mirror”.

This coming from a man with the world's longest and ugliest comb-over. You know he is completely bald under that shit. Doesn't Donald 'Dump' have any mirrors in his house. Obviously not.

A Plea To Angelina

Maddox is such a dude! Angelina picked the best banana in the bunch when she adopted this kid.

Angelina and Maddox are in Vietnam right now picking up Maddox's new little brother, who is to be named Pax Thien Jolie.

Angelina! This is a cry to you! Don't adopt that baby! Please! I have a better idea. Adopt me! I'm needy. I come from a broken home with 4 brothers and 1 sister. What could be more third-world than me?

I'd be a perfect big brother for Maddox. I'd rub his feet, fetch his toys, wipe his chin, play his pet - he can even put a collar and leash on me and take me for walks around the neighborhood. I'd even crawl on all fours, well, except where there is gravel... that shit can really hurt the knees.... don't ask how I know this, it may impede our adoption process. Jonathan Jolie-Pitt. Nice ring.

Getting adopted by the Jolie-Pitt couple is like winning the freakin' lottery. Imagine. A lottery for babies. I've never won anything in my entire life. I want something free too! Damn it!

Baby Number 4 For Jolie and Pitt

According to Vietnam adoption officials, and as is widely reported, Angelina Jolie's adoption should be complete in a few weeks. A new little boy is to be added to the world's most beautiful family.

"We definitely want a very big family. It might seem crazy to build it so quickly. But if we're going to have 10 kids, we'd like to raise them while we're young," said Angelina to Elle Magazine.

I have a complete soft spot for this couple and their kids. Shit, the entire family is rockin' hot. Angelina, Brad, Maddox, Zahara, Shilou - the total hotness. I hope the new baby isn't fugly. It will ruin the whole thing.

Little Tugnut Is Born

Donkey Spelling and Dean McKermit welcomed their baby to this cruel world on Tuesday.

The little tugnut, named Liam Aaron McDermott, was born at the Los Angeles' Cedar Sinai Medical Center. Liam weighed six pounds, six ounces at birth, but probably lost the six ounces immediately from fright when he looked into Mommy's donkey-face.

I guess Donna Martin ain't a virgin no more.

Donkey-Face Foaling

Tori Spelling, or as I like to call her Donkey-Face which technically means Ass-Face, is in labour at this very moment. It's about time. I mean, hasn't this twit been pregnant for 16 or 17 months by now.

Donkey-Face is what I like to call a defiance of nature... meaning that regardless of all of Daddy's millions (before she was disinherited), all her plastic parts, her big fake boobies, bleach jobs, expensive creams, surgeries, stylists, designer clothes, spray-on-tans and make-up, she is still dog-fuggly. Ruff. Ruff.

Ha! Dean McDermott must have been so disappointed when Tori lost her chance at all those millions. He had a hot little wife in Canada and he left her for dog-poo but dog-poo that he thought was coming with a big pay off. Ha! Now he is just stuck with Tori and baby donkey.

I am such a mean shit.

Money Can't Buy Me Love

Reports have been varied on exactly how much money gold-digger Heather Mills will manage to pry out of Paul McCartney's half dead hands. The figure is perpetually changing but it is always astronomical. Millions! People!

The latest amount, said to be accepted by both sides, is $56 million. WTF!? To me that seems about $55,999,999.99 too much. This is completely insane! What is that? $40,000 per vomit-inducing romp?

OK. When McCartney made all these millions where was she? Yeah, I though so. She was nothing more than a dirty thought in her Daddy's mind. And speaking of Daddies... isn't McCartney old enough to be hers? EEEWWW!

So this evil bitch is now going to be on 'Dancing With the Stars'. I can't wait to see how this shit works. First of all, is she really a star? Nooooo. She's a star-fucker. She should be on 'Dancing with the Star-Fuckers'. Her partner could be fellow star-fucker James Burke.... yeah, I like it, the gold digger could be dug.

Anyway, would we know who Heather Mills was if Paul McCartney wasn't giving her the donkey-ride? I hear a resounding no.

But seriously folks, Mills is insulted at the idea that she might be in it for the gold. No wonder the McCartney kids didn't like the evil step-mother. You didn't need a crystal-ball to see this shit coming.

In a 2006 interview with 'Extra', Mills said "I fell in love for the right reason. I fell in love unconditionally. If I was a gold digger, I would have a lot of money in my bank account...I'd be worth millions and millions."

ummm.... er... so is that a confession? Honest to shit.

Pregnant By Sperm Made of Liquid Gold

Ah, the exotic allure of Selma Hayek and her girl-pal, Penelope Cruz, snuggled together for a photo... a double vision in a boy's wet dream. An ample abundance of creamy flesh spilling all over the place. No they weren't lesbians, but a boy can dream can't he? That image is destroyed now that Selma has got herself sperminated.

I find this so hard to believe. I didn't even realize that she had a boyfriend... apparently they have been quietly dating for years. Boyfriend fast tracked to fiancée, most likely because of this current news.

"Businessman Francois-Henri Pinault and his fiancée, Salma Hayek, are happy to announce they are expecting the arrival of their first child," Hayek's publicist said in a statement Friday.



Honestly, she looks like she would be a vixen in bed and he looks like he would cum in his pants every time Selma rubbed up against him.

I guess if you're going to get sperminated you might as well do it by someone sick-rich. Pinault is just that. Rich. Rich. Rich. But he is also old and ugly... why did you do it Selma?!

What will the baby look like?


Having said all that, I would let the hotness of Mr Pinault have his way with me anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Hummm. I wonder if they make diamond encrusted butt plugs?

Jake's New Undies

Jake Gyllenhaal was recently spotted spending an unusual amount of time deciding on his underwear purchases in Bloomingdale's. So 'Brokeback' of him. Yeah, I know, big news.

Thing is that I understand Jake, see I am very selective about my man panties as well. But then again, I'm gay, but Jake isn't... is he? Or is he?

My one brother, who is grossly straight, will wear any old ill-fighting, ripped pair of underwear he can find on his dormitory floor. That is a sign of a straighter. I can't imagine my brother spending hours perusing the underwear section of a busy department store.

I love my undies, though. Apparently Jake does too. Don't be shy Jake , be proud. There's nothing like a man in a nice fitting pair of Calvin Kleins. Men of the under-panties unite!

And Jakes... I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Enough With the Freakin' Pink

Why is Rachel McAdams' hair still pink? I've been looking at it for sometime and I can't stand it anymore.

I guess she is trying to be edgy, less-boring, but the look just doesn't work for me. She looks like a girl-child who fell into her paints while making a finger-paint masterpiece. It just looks plain stupid. Why doesn't Ryan Gosling bitch slap her? Maybe he secretly despises her and is giggling his ass off with hateful glee every time she goes out in public with that mess on her head.

It's not the pink that bothers me as so much as that it is on her. Some gals, and even guys, can wear pink hair, although I don't recommend it, and it looks almost good, interesting and sometimes even a bit sexy. But on Rachel? No, no, no. It's in the way she wears it.

Her flipped back hairstyle, that 1990s bored-house-wife-I-don't-give-a-shit-style, which is fine by itself. I got nothing against that, but the issue I have is adding the pink, a colour which feels like it needs a modern style to compliment it.

I never understood the hype around this couple. They both look OK, but they are boring as fuck. Boring. Boring. Boring. Did I mention they're boring?

Rachel, a word from a complete stranger (because I know you really want to know)- please get rid of the pink streaks.

Harry's Magic Wand

I first read Harry Potter in my teens and I gobbled it up. When the Harry Potter movies came out I couldn't wait to see them and waited in shitiously long lines, with all the other sheep, on the opening nights. Daniel Radcliffe became Harry Potter for me.

Now Daniel Radcliffe is starring in Peter Shaffer's "Equus" at the Gielgud Theater in London and I don't like it. It's just all wrong. Ewww. I remember reading "Equus" during my first year in University and that's just weird shit.

Having said that, it's not something that I have stayed awake thinking about, but if Daniel Radcliffe wants to bare all and show us what's under that black Hogwart's robe, I guess I'll take a look up from my sausage sandwich long enough to give a little critic. I figure 'little' is the key word.